Wife,Mom, Who Am I?

From a very young age I always pictured myself as a wife and a mom. I'm not quite sure why, maybe it was all the stories I read or the images from the Disney movies I watched. But one thing was for sure, I had a very unrealistic perception of what life would actually be like. Things started to get real once I got married and the idea of becoming a mother was no longer a fantasy thought in my head. It was no longer something that was a long way away. I was now forced to sit with the idea of what motherhood really meant and whether or not it was something I actually wanted. My childhood dreams were forced to compete with the reality of adulthood and things seemed a bit more complicated than I had thought they would be. 

The first two years of marriage were rather difficult for me. I moved to my husband's hometown and also quit my job in hopes of making a career switch. Initially I was excited about the change, but quickly realized the transition was not going to be as easy as I had hoped. Being away from my family, friends, and all things familiar was difficult. 

As an introvert, I struggled to make new friends, and my search for a new job was proving to be a challenge. I received rejection after rejection and began to feel lost and discouraged. This season of life was rough! I fell into a deep depression and became almost unrecognizable to myself. My husband tried to be supportive, but it was hard for him to understand the range of emotions I was experiencing. After all, this was not the person he thought he married. Heck, I didn't feel like the person I thought he married. 

At this point I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life at all. I tried so many things. I went from subsitute teaching to furniture restoration, and even obtained my real estate license. Nothing seemed to be the right fit. The excitement of starting something new was always short lived, and the passion was just not there. 

Finally after months and months, I received an opportunity to work for the TRIO program at Joliet Junior College. I was overjoyed! This was my chance to make the career switch I had so desperately desired. The idea of working with first generation college students was something I could truly get behind and put my heart into. 

And for a while, the job for the most part, was everything I thought it would be. I was truly happy in the role, and was finally starting to feel like myself again. I had a community, I  made new friends, and I was establishing my own identity. 

Then Covid happened. Everything shutdown and it felt like I was back at square one. I was no longer able to have the face to face interactions with students, and the way I felt about my job began to change. I also began think and reevaluate life in general. 

Covid changed the way I thought about time. I started to realize that none of us are promised it. I began to think back on those childhood dreams and wondered if I continued to wait to start a family, would it ever happen? I realized that there was no perfect time to start. 

So I talked with my husband and let go of my fears and we decided to start trying to grow our family. To my suprise, it didn't take very long. I got pregnant almost immediately. 

I continued to work through my pregnancy, and was determined to have a positive birthing experience. I spent a lot of time researching and studying on how to achieve the birth I desired. For me, it was important to try to have an unmedicated birth. As someone who doesn't consider herself to have a high pain tolerance, this idea was scary but something I wanted to at least try. 

Initially I wanted to have a home birth, but eventually settled upon birthing in the hospital with a Doula and Midwife. I switched providers three times before I found a place where I felt I would be supported and that would accept me transfering care at 28 weeks gestation. 

It was also during this time that we unintentionally decided to move back to my hometown. My husband has always been an entreprenuer at heart, so of course our first home after getting married was an investment property. We lived in the bottom unit of our two-flat, and rented out the top to college students. As a young couple with no children it was great. But after finding out I was pregnant, I had a desire to have something that felt more like a home for our family. 

Having my real estate license came in handy, as we were able to freely view properties on our own schedule. One weekend while visiting Rockford, we stumbled upon a duplex that had been sitting on the market. As soon as we walked in, I knew this was the one. It needed a lot of work, but it was mainly cosmetic. And my husband was also happy because we could continue to grow our real estate portfolio with another income producing property. 

Without much hesitation, we wrote an offer and before we knew it we were starting a major renovation, and making plans to move all while I was carrying our first child. As I began to pack and prepare for the move and our new baby, I also struggled with staying motivated at my job. It was no longer something that I could see myself doing long term. But the thought of leaving a job that I had waited so long to get didn't seem rational. 

It wouldn't be until after I gave birth that I would ultimately decide to leave my job and stay home with our son.